


sunsets and scars

by rosswoodblues



Category: Marble Hornets
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Jam, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Smoking, Sunsets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-10
Updated: 2017-08-10
Packaged: 2018-12-13 11:36:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11759019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosswoodblues/pseuds/rosswoodblues
Summary: Usually, Tim feels frustrated at having lost so many memories. At waking up after weeks have passed with no idea what had happened. This time he just wishes he would forget.





	sunsets and scars

Tim just wanted to look at the sunset.

Or at least, that’s what he tells himself as he settles with leaning against his car—his car that he now shared with Jay—and lit a cigarette in his mouth. Smoke tickled his face and ash left little black marks on his pants where it fell.           

The clouds in the sky were a blend of orange and red and a few touches of gold. A little farther away from the horizon the colors faded into a pink. It looked like something right out of a painting.

He had just wanted to look at the sunset, and that’s why he was out here, leaning against his car—their car—smoking a cigarette and not caring about the soot that stained his pants. He was definitely _not_ standing outside in the cold with no jacket on to escape Jay’s worried look. He was _not_ out there so that he wouldn’t have to answer Jay’s concerns about why he had just bolted up from his sleep a sweaty mess. He was _not_ out there, shivering and cursing himself silently for not grabbing a jacket, refusing to go back inside so that he would not have to explain to Jay how he could still hear him screaming, still see the terrified look on his face, and still remember the way his blood felt on his hands, even in his dreams.

Beneath the clouds was a very light blue. In some places where the thinner clouds overlapped, there was a nice shade of purple. This is the type of sunset that would have won photographers awards, the type that deserved to be remembered, captured in a photo to look back to on days when the sunsets weren’t as pretty. He considered going back inside to grab the camera for this, but only for a split second.

Tim had absolutely _not_ run out the door as soon as he woken up—past Jay and his only jacket and that damned camera—to avoid having to look Jay in the eyes and see that concerned look on his face when he had just been staring into those same eyes just a few moments before in his sleep.

No, Tim was just outside with his shaky hands and burning cigarette because he had just wanted to look at the sunset. He bet Jay would love this view. He felt almost guilty, but he was more terrified of the heavy guilt that weighed down his heart whenever he got close to the man. That sick and empty feeling that filled his gut and threatened to drown him from the inside out whenever he looked at Jay’s face and saw happiness instead of fear. That sad choking feeling that stopped any words he might’ve spoken right in his throat when he wondered how Jay could even be happy anymore when he was so used to feeling afraid.

He figured it was better he was out here, alone, looking at the sea of colors in the almost night sky, trying not to think about how he just wanted them to be happy, how much he just wished they could be okay.

He remembered exactly what the sky looked like that night. The way the grey clouds suffocated the night sky, threatening to spill over any second. The way the dark blues and purples mixed together above the trees. He remembered squinting to try and see the stars through the top of the trees and clouds and the holes in his mask.

He remembered the way the twigs and glass snapped and crunched under him as he ran. The sound of Jay’s heavy breathing from ahead of him. The ways the shadows twisted on the walls of the hospital he was in—they were in. He remembers the animalistic feeling, the anger almost seeping off of him. He doesn’t know how Jay felt at that moment, but he was sure it was something along the lines of fear. Fear of the man chasing after him. Fear that he wouldn’t be able to get away. Fear that he wouldn’t be able to make it out _alive._

He wishes he could forget the sound Jay made when he tripped over some fallen object in the dark. How quickly he caught up to him, how he hadn’t even hesitated to grab him so violently by the collar of his shirt. The way Jay’s voice cracked.

“Tim? Tim, I know that’s you— _Tim is that a knife?”_

God, the look on Jay’s face. The way the moonlight shone through the clouds and illuminated just enough of his face to show the terror. The way his eyes went between looking into his, pleadingly, and looking at the knife in Tim’s hand that was moving so fast towards his chest.

_“ Tim what are you doing—TIM NO! PLEASE DON’T TIM NO I—”_

But that wasn’t Tim that night. And he couldn’t forget.

Actually, he _had_ forgotten, for a while. Bits and pieces of the memory had come back in chunks. It had taken awhile to piece all the information together, to fully realize what had happened. What he had done. What he’d done to Jay. Now though, he remembered in in gross detail.

The sunset was fading from orange and gold and red to softer shades of purple and blue. A sliver of the moon was showing high in the sky. There were hints of stars in the darker areas.

He saw it in his dreams and he hated it. He hated himself for it. He felt such a sick feeling, so guilty and unsure about himself. He hadn’t been able to control it, but he still felt so ashamed of himself and how he _hurt_ Jay.

His thoughts were interrupted by movement ahead of him. The opening of one of the motel room doors. His room—his and Jay’s room.  He saw Jay’s face peek out from behind the door, looking at him. “Tim?” Jay’s voice was quiet but concerned as he called out. “Come on, it’s cold out here.”

Tim felt his heart drop. He stalled for a moment, but eventually dropped his cigarette butt on the ground and twisted his shoe into it to put it out. He gave the sunset another glance as he walked towards their room. Jay moved out of the way of the door frame as Tim stepped inside.

Tim wondered if Jay has a scar.

“Why didn’t you bring your jacket? It’s freezing out there,” Jay said, frowning, as Tim closed the door behind himself.

“I don’t know,” Tim muttered. He saw the almost annoyed look on Jay’s face and crossed his arms uncomfortably, returning his stare with an irritated look of his own. 

“Well, you kind of just rushed out of here, I’m surprised you even have your shoes on,” Jay chided him. Tim looked down at his shoes, which he had luckily fallen asleep in. Jay was right, he probably would’ve just ran out the door either way, shoes or not.

But he didn’t want to admit that. He avoided Jay’s gaze while he weakly changed the subject, “Did you see outside? The sunset. You’d probably would’ve liked it.”

“Yeah, I got pictures of it while you were asleep.” Jay gave a hint of a smile. He was always a sap for pretty sunsets. Half of the camera was just pictures Jay took while they were driving, although he didn’t let it show in his videos.

“But don’t change the subject. You just woke up and rushed out of here,” Jay’s tone was kind of harsh. His look of annoyance turned into a look of concern, and Tim made the mistake of looking back at him. “Was it that dream again?”

Again, with the seeing right through him. Tim’s face fell for a second. “Yeah.” He sighed and clutched at his own sleeves, arms crossed uncomfortably tight as if to stop the anger and guilt from spilling out of his chest.

They had barely discussed it before. The time Tim had realized what had happened—the first time he had woken up in a panic because of the nightmare made of his own memories— he told Jay almost immediately. Jay had already known, but they didn’t really exchange any meaningful conversation on the topic, besides that it was, as Jay described it, ‘water under the bridge.’

Jay looked tired. He probably hasn’t had a complete 8 hours of rest in months. Neither of them had. Between the paranoia in their waking hours and the terrifying images that were shown in their nightmares, it was pretty tough for both of them to get any meaningful rest.

Jay stepped forward, and began, “Tim—”

Tim felt all his self-hate boiling up, and he couldn’t control it. “It’s not just a dream, Jay, it’s _the whole fucking thing.”_

Jay dropped his crossed arms and looked surprised. He opened his mouth to speak again.

But Tim beat him to it. “That night—what I did to you?” His voice cracked. “How can you even stand to be around me? How can you trust the man who _fucking stabbed you in the chest,_ Jay?”

It hurt Tim just to say it, as if finally saying it out loud made it more real. His soul had been broken into a million little pieces. It had been shattered a thousand different ways and its pieces were scattered so far that he was sure he would never see some of them again. That he would never feel whole again.

Jay’s face turned into an emotion Tim couldn’t read.

“We’ve talked about this, Tim,” Jay’s voice was stern. Neither of the two men were very good at dealing with emotional situations.

“No, Jay, we haven’t. I fucking attacked you— _you could have died, Jay._ Because of me. That’s not normal, not just something we can ignore or pretend it didn’t happen.” Tim’s voice was filled with frustration, his words filled with fire he hoped would just burn him away. Burn the memories right out of his mind.

“I’m not saying we should ignore it,” Jay huffed, crossing his arms defensively. “Yeah, it’s something that happened. But that wasn’t you. You couldn’t have controlled it. And I didn’t die, maybe we should focus on that.” Jay’s voice sounded almost hurt, as if it hurt his heart to even think about hating Tim the way Tim hated himself.

Tim just felt guiltier. He let his arms drop to his side. “Yeah but—”

“Tim, listen to me,” Jay interrupted, giving him a pointed look. Jay took a deep breath before continuing, “I know you feel guilty about it, but that was not you. I don’t blame you. You’ve more than made up for it in earning my trust.” His gaze turned a lot softer. 

Tim’s face dropped too. He stayed silent, for a second before looking into Jay’s face and seeing that genuine concern and honesty, and he just broke. He let out a shaky, “fuck,” and brought his hands to his face, as if that would stop Jay from realizing how easily he could break down any barriers that Tim tried to build. 

He felt his hands being pulled away from his face the pressure of Jay wrapping his arms around him comfortingly. He felt the warmth of Jay’s chest against his own. He felt Jay rubbing his back in circles.

He felt Jay putting back all of the pieces of his soul back together just with a couple of words and a hug.

His arms were still at his side and he brought them up to clutch the back of Jay’s jacket almost desperately. His face was pushed against Jay’s neck.

“I’m sorry,” he choked out. “I just—what if something like that happens again? You said it yourself, I can’t control it.” He was afraid for himself and for Jay, and he didn’t bother trying to hide it this time.

“Tim,” Jay’s voice wasn’t completely calm, it was shaky because Jay had never been great at comforting people, not like Brian was, but it was _there_ and Tim clung onto him like a life raft. “We are here _together._ You’ve made a lot of progress since then in controlling it, working together with it. I don’t know what we’d do if it happens again,” Jay admitted.

Tim felt one of Jay’s hands move from his back to cup the back of his head.

“But,” Jay continued, “If it does, then we’ll get through it _together_ , Tim. Okay?” His voice was soft and he sounded so genuine. Tim’s eyes watered. Jay was right.

He nodded into Jay’s neck. Fuck, he just felt so soft and so caring and it just felt so _right_ being there in his arms. It felt so good to hear him say that they would stick together. It felt so good to just not be alone. To be there with Jay, _together._

The sky outside was shades of blue, the last bits of purple disappearing under the horizon. The moon gave the clouds surrounding it a pretty glow. Stars peeked out shyly behind the thinner clouds, filling the sky with pretty, white freckles.

Tim still felt bad about what happened, the regret about their situation was probably never going to go away. But Jay forgave him, and he was on the path to forgiving himself.

He felt warmer than he had in a long time, standing there in Jay’s arms, listening to his breathing and feeling the rising and falling of his chest.

He felt like his heart could become whole again. That maybe they could heal, maybe his soul could heal.

For the first time in a long time, he thought that things were going to be okay. Maybe the sunset was just what he needed.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!! This is my first attempt at writing for fun in a really long time!! It kinda just spawned from me being anxious at like 1 am lmao, but I hope you like it!!
> 
> Please tell me what you thought down below!! And you can check out my tumblr if you want at rosswoodblues.tumblr.com ;;;;)


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